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40 questions to ask your partner that will bring you closer
"How was your day?" "Fine." Most couples could act out this scene in their sleep. There's nothing wrong with the question; you just know the answer before you ask. A good question makes the other person stop for a second. Sometimes it makes them laugh, and sometimes it takes the two of you somewhere you've never really talked about.
The 40 questions below come word for word from the Tomurcuk question bank. In the app, one of them lands for both of you every evening. Here they're grouped under five headings, and the order is deliberate: light first, heavy last.
Why start light
In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues paired up strangers and had them spend 45 minutes taking turns with questions that got more personal as they went. There were three sets of twelve. The first was harmless, the last was fairly intimate. Pairs who worked through the questions felt closer than pairs who spent the same time on small talk (the study). It's the paper behind the "36 questions to fall in love" list that went around years later.
Deep questions work once things have warmed up a little. Open with "what scares you most?" and it sounds like an interrogation; start with who keeps pointing left when the navigation says right.
The silly ones
- Which of us points left when the navigation says "turn right"?
- Who grabs the last cheese roll at breakfast: you or me?
- At a wedding, which of us hits the dance floor first?
- Which of us do you think will be the cuter grump when we are old?
- If I saved my name in your contacts as "Do Not Answer", what would you think I was up to?
- What random detail about me lives in your head rent free?
- What did you swear you would "never do" until you met me?
- How does my voice change when I am truly happy?
We slipped the last one in on purpose. It sounds light, and you'll like hearing the answer.
Back when you met
- What is the smallest detail you remember from the day we met?
- What did you think when you read my first message?
- Before we got together, what kind of partner did you think I would be?
- What did you feel about me early on and never say?
- Who made you laugh the most when you were little?
- What did you do with your bayram money: save it, or spend it straight away?
- What did your home smell of most when you were little, and what does that smell do to you now?
- If we walked around the neighbourhood you grew up in, what would you show me first?
Bayram is the holiday when Turkish kids visit their elders, kiss their hands and get pocket money for it. Childhood questions look innocent, but they often turn into the longest conversations of the night. The pocket money one alone tells you a fair amount about how someone thinks about money.
The future
- A campervan tour of Turkey, or Europe with a backpack?
- Is there a business you think would work if we opened it together: a little coffee shop, a kiosk by the sea?
- This time next year, what would you want us to be doing?
- Which of our memories do you think we will still be laughing about in ten years?
- What do you think we will be far better at in five years than we are today?
- When we go through a hard stretch one day, what will you need most from me?
- When you think about our future, what frightens you most?
- What about the way we are now do you want to keep twenty years from now?
Family
For a lot of couples, Turkish ones especially, family is the quiet third party in the relationship. These topics tend to come up in the middle of a crisis, with voices already raised. They're much easier on a calm evening.
- What makes you most curious about my family?
- If our two families sat at the same table, what do you think they would agree on most?
- Who in your family are you most like, and do you like the resemblance?
- After a crowded family visit, how would you want me to keep you company: talking, or in silence?
- If a bayram had to be shared between our two families, how do you think we would decide?
- Which habit of your family would you never want to carry on in your own life?
- If my family said something hurtful to you, what would you want me to do?
- What does the idea of the two of us being a family make you think about, and what would you want to build differently from your own family?
The hard ones
Don't ask these on a tired night with your phone in your hand. Make some time for them.
- What do you think I need to hear more often?
- When do you need a hug most and still not ask for one?
- When we argue, what is the sentence that goes through you but never makes it out?
- When does looking strong become a burden for you?
- In a relationship, does silence put you at ease or leave you uneasy?
- When you tell me your biggest dream, do you ever hold back in case I find it silly?
- When it comes to loving someone, what scares you?
- Which tender place in us do you think we need to protect the most?
How you ask matters too
The question is half the work. The other half is listening, which here means not jumping in and not starting a sentence with "well, you also". If you don't like the answer, say "okay, I hear you" first and keep the objection for later.
Both of you answer. One-sided questioning turns into a job interview after a while, and nobody wants to be interviewed by the person they love.
There's one more trap. When we hear the other person's answer first, we bend our own toward it without noticing. That's why answers on Tomurcuk are sealed, and neither of you can read the other's until both are written. You can do the same with paper: write separately, then turn the pages over at the same time. The answers come out more honest, and comparing them is half the fun.
Don't try to get through all forty in one night. One or two is plenty; the rest tends to follow on its own.
Our pick for tonight isn't on the list. It's one more from the bank: "If I forgot everything tomorrow, what is the first thing about us you would tell me?" The answer might take a while, so put the kettle on first.