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Why do relationships end? The most common reason isn't cheating
Ask people why a relationship ended and they usually describe the last scene. The affair, the huge fight, the night someone slammed the door and left. But there's usually a long film before that last scene.
In 2013, researchers in the US asked 52 divorced people why their marriages had ended. The most common answer wasn't infidelity. Three quarters of them said "lack of commitment", meaning that at some point one or both of them stopped putting in the effort they once had. Infidelity and arguing too much were high on the list too, but they came after commitment (the study).
The numbers from Turkey point the same way. In TÜİK's 2021 Family Structure Survey, the reason divorced people gave most often was a spouse's "irresponsible and uncaring behavior", at 32.2 percent. Infidelity came a long way behind, at 14.1 percent (TÜİK).
Most relationships wear down slowly, long before anyone slams a door.
Turning away from small invitations
Psychologist John Gottman calls the small reaches partners make toward each other during the day "bids for connection". "Look at this", "guess what happened today", pointing out a bird outside the window. The other person either turns toward the bid, shows interest and answers, or lets it go by.
According to the Gottman Institute, newlyweds watched in the lab who were still married six years later had turned toward these bids about 86 percent of the time, while couples who later divorced had done so only 33 percent of the time (Gottman Institute). The bird doesn't decide the fate of the relationship, of course. But the answers to thousands of small "look at this" moments make up what a relationship feels like day to day.
That's why many breakups start long before any big event, with small moments of turning away piling up. Nobody is being cruel. One person is just looking somewhere else while the other is talking, again and again.
The way you fight
In Gottman's long-term studies, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling during arguments predicted divorce. Gottman considers contempt the most destructive of the four: sarcasm, eye-rolling, the one sentence that makes the other person feel small.
We wrote a separate post about this. Couples who fight a lot but keep their respect for each other can last far longer than couples who rarely fight but belittle each other every time they do.
When the curiosity runs out
Ege, one of the people who started Tomurcuk, wrote a line about long relationships that we keep coming back to:
You do not grow distant from the person you love; you just stop wondering about them.
In a long relationship it's easy to think you know the other person completely. You know what they like to eat, which joke will make them laugh, what they'll say in an argument. That familiarity is lovely, but after a while it stops you asking questions. And people change. Someone you knew well five years ago is thinking different thoughts today, and is scared of different things.
When the curiosity runs out, conversations turn into logistics: who paid the bill, what's for dinner, whose family are we seeing this weekend. Those matter too, but they can't carry a relationship on their own.
Waiting too long to ask for help
You'll often read that couples wait six years after problems start before they look for help, usually credited to Gottman. The figure doesn't have a solid source. In a 2021 study, people who started couples therapy had waited about 2.7 years on average, and most had started within two (the study). Two years is still more than enough time for a small hurt to put down roots.
Couples therapy isn't only for people on the edge of a breakup. Seeing someone when you notice you're having the same fight for the third time is like going to the dentist early. It's easier when you go early.
And to be clear, this post isn't saying every relationship should be saved. If there is fear, control or violence in a relationship, your safety comes first. We've listed places you can get help in our post on jealousy.
One thing you can do today
Tonight, when your partner shows you something, put the phone down and really look. It might be a bird, it might be a ridiculous video. It's a small thing, we know. But if Gottman's work is anything to go by, small things like this are exactly what keep relationships standing, or bring them down.